Sunday, Lovely Sunday

What a lovely, lovely Sunday. I visited an absolutely beautiful church this morning that happened to be celebrating the life of Bach and they performed some amazingly stunning music. Siiiiigh. Every now and then church gets it right.

After the service, I had lunch with good friends, and then enjoyed playing music with my band at our service tonight. It was a perfect summer day so we held worship outdoors and it was just incredible. Pints followed, then I came home and ate a box of mac and cheese and it was amazing. It’s time for bed. Super duper sleepy.

So many good things are happening in my life right now. I’ve got a lot to be thankful for.

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Feast of …

It’s my birthday today. I went to bed kind of sad about it and then woke up alone. AND HAPPY. I’m going to make this a good year. A great year even.

It also happens to be the Feast of St. James. I keep getting these little tugs on my heartstrings to walk The Camino de Santiago, and perhaps this is just another one guiding my heart in that direction once this divorce is said and done.

So, happy birthday to me. God said, “Let there be cake!”

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Hi, it’s been a really long time.

It really has, hasn’t it? But I didn’t want my diary to become a rant place for me. Plus, well, anything you say and do can and will be used against you in a court of law, right? The internet is forever …

Nine months later, I’m really starting to embrace being on my own. For a while, I really didn’t think I was going to be able to do it. I’d come home, throw myself into bed because it was pretty much all that was in the room, and cry myself to sleep then wake up and do it all over again.

I gained 20 pounds because I didn’t take care of myself. I just stopped completely caring about everything actually and, well, I just let myself because that’s what I needed during that time.

A couple of weeks ago, I finally got off my ass and got my apartment together and it’s made a world of difference in regard to how I feel. I’m cooking for myself, have trimmed a couple of pounds off my frame, am gaining ground with music, and actually enjoy being home as opposed to being out and about all the time, which I couldn’t afford, or over at other people’s houses.

I took a few pictures of the place. Hope you like them and I’ll try to be a little better about checking in.

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Sigh, and there it is

I had been suspecting that my dad has been in early stage Alzheimer’s for a while now. My mom confirmed it tonight. Well, that my dad’s odd behavior and asking me three times in 10 minutes, “What happened to your arm” in regard to me burning myself on an iron pretty much confirmed it.

I guess we just have to be patient with one another and be thankful for the time we have together. It doesn’t make the heartache any easier. I don’t know what I’m going to do without that man. I don’t know who I am going to turn to for everything because he’s always been there for me. No one can fill that void.

The thought of having to let him go hasn’t set in with me. Alzheimer’s is tricky. Sometimes it’s slow and agonizing, sometimes it’s fast and furious, but no matter what its pace, it sucks. It sucks, sucks, sucks. I lost my grandparents (my dad’s parents) to it, and I don’t need any more heartbreak these days, especially one of my parents.

I guess it’s time to grow up. I guess it’s time to just live and let live. We’ve all accepted that this is happening and are in varying stages of learning to deal with it. I’m in, like, hour five right now.

I’m racked with guilt that my life didn’t turn out how he might have liked for me. Not that I had to be what he wanted me to be, just that he wanted a good life for me and, well, that hasn’t happened yet.

I think I’ll just go to bed now. I’m entirely too fucked up in the head right now and I just want to go to sleep and get away from this world for a while.

 

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Worth Something

I’ve learned a lot about what I’m worth these days. Right down to a simple phone call. The human race has failed me in so many ways these days. I’m back to the “can’t stop crying” phase. I’m tired of the roller coaster. I’m tired of this process. I’m tired of the thought that I have to go to court on Tuesday and see my ex-husband. It’s all that is on my mind: the possibility of having to see him. I’m so angry that this is happening I just want to rip his throat out and then I have to see him? I just don’t think I’ll be able to do anything other than burst into tears on the stand.

I’m just not strong enough these days. I’ve lost several friends over the past few months and I just feel entirely fucking alone. Even with the fact that I have tons of friends, I just feel alone. Alone in my 180-square-foot apartment. Just so alone.

A friend the other day told me that she will never get divorced and that divorce shouldn’t happen. I just smiled and drank my beer and thought, “Talk to me in a few years.” I’m sorry. I’m bitter. I’m angry. I’m hurt. I can’t be excited about your wedding. I’m happy for you, I really am. Do it. Try it. Work at it. Call me if it doesn’t work out.

I’m worth a phone call. I’m worth a text that says, “Hello.” I’m worth … something.

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Through the Pain

I guess I could have written through it but what to say? Who wants to listen to someone whine all the time?

I did move out on my own, about 6 weeks ago, into a 240 sq. ft. efficiency that is more than I dreamed of despite its lack of bathroom door. It’s a nice layover, if you will. It’s decorated and it’s mine, all mine. I come home, fling my bra across the room, crack open a beer, sit in my comfy chair, and contemplate my health and happiness.

I’ve taken up the mandolin in the past couple of months. Scored one off a friend of a friend for $100 and picked it up pretty quickly. I’m hoping, in time, to buy a quality one but DAMN mandolins are expensive! I’ll settle for this low-end hunk until the day comes I can wrap my fingers around a beauty.

Work is good, social life is good, sleep is lacking, but overall I’m in a good place in my life. It’s been six months pretty much to the day and we are finally making progress in regard to settlement. It will be another 6-9 months until the divorce is final but we are working on it, keeping it civil by not talking to each other, which is probably for the best.

I don’t cry about it anymore but sometimes I wake up and look at the ceiling and feel incredibly sad that it didn’t work because DAMN. I loved that man. He’ll always have a place in my heart and I pray for him daily that he will find his way. I pray that we all find our way in love.

So, here I am, hopefully to stay.

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The Best Decision I Ever Made

I used to refer to that when I thought about marrying Matt. I guess my vision of our life wasn’t the same as his. You know, buy a house, build a future, grow old together … Sigh, man, how different life is years later. How our perceptions change. How PEOPLE change. Ugh. It just sucks.

I came to the difficult realization last night that I’m not going to be able to afford to move out on my own any time soon. All of the overages of my life used to be covered by the business. Things like insurance and cell phones and gas and car repairs … Now, I find myself with a $700/month deficit (if I move out on my own) and no idea how to pay it. I guess I just keep plugging along, working at my promotion and earning the right to more management shifts as I prove myself. I love where I am and what I do. I’m trying, I really am.

I guess I just have to live through these times and I cried when I told my housemate, “I need more time. Can you give me more time? I’m sorry. I’m really, really sorry.” Because I am sorry. Sorry about all of this.

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The Perils of Being Attractive

Look, you don’t spend your time aggressively coming onto me only to tell me, “I’m not interested in you like that and don’t be giving me information I’m not asking for” when I tell you, “I’m going through a divorce and am not available at this time in my life.”

I’m sorry if you feel embarrassed that you came on to a married woman or angry that she straight up rejected you, but at this point in my life I am SO NOT IN ANY PLACE to want to date anyone. Even if I wanted to, well, I’m still technically still married and the good girl in my knows that’s not something I can do.

I went out last night for a co-worker’s birthday and we had a lot of fun, but this is the third time in two days I’ve been hit on like that. I’m flattered, certainly, because they’ve been men of what appears to be quality and it makes me smile to know I’ve still got it, but it comes down to the fact that I don’t like being hit on. Never have, probably never will. Seriously, I fucking hate it. You want my number? Meet me for coffee and if it goes well, sure. In the meantime, no coffee, no phone numbers. Just back off, okay?

I guess I’ll have to talk to my counselor about defensive tactics. Yes, I said counselor because I finally woke up to the fact that I need some help getting through this.  I have no shame in seeking a professional to help me see through some of the fog that is my life right now. The biggest thing I’ve taken away thus far is, “It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to embrace that right now and work on healing that hurt and becoming a stronger person.”

So this post has been rambly, I know, but I’ve got a lot to talk about and am only just now getting around to writing anything down. I’m actively looking for a place to live and should be ready to roll come the first of April. Hopefully I’m not overstaying my welcome here but I did say I’d probably need about 6 months to get on my feet. But I’m looking and looking and looking!

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Grrrr

Sometimes, I just can’t stand it. Sometimes, I’m just so angry I can’t hold it in. Today, I was driving in my car and I randomly screamed, “FUCK” at the top of my lungs out of nowhere. Then I felt better and I smiled and was like, “Alright,” and just kept driving. In the dark. Through the country. Bliss? Yeah, I guess so.

This afternoon, I went to Verizon and assumed liability for my phone. Matt told me our cell phone bill last month was something like $800+ and I just don’t feel like dealing with being limited to how much I can talk on the phone so I just took my phone onto my own plan. I’ll figure out the financials in the end. Whatever. It’s not the end of the world but it is the first time in my life I have ever had my own cell phone plan. LIBERATING! Hey, I’m 35 and growing up!

I had a nice meeting with my worship planning committee tonight. It was totally all over the place and unfocused; therefore, it was a productive meeting. As meetings usually are. We figured out some music, some concepts, and I’m TOTALLY STOKED that we are going to invite our bishop to play a song with us when he comes to visit. Rockin’ with the bishop. In case you didn’t know, the bishop for the Maryland Episcopal diocese is AWE. SOME. I’m hoping he won’t bring a guitar so he’ll play my Taylor. :)

I spend most nights with a pillow on either side of me to prop up a leg to keep my back from hurting. I also need something to hug while I sleep. While the cats at my transitory residence are coming around and accepting me, I still DEEPLY miss Diesel. Oh man, I miss that cat so much. And Emmy too. I can’t really think about it because it makes me want to cry.

Tomorrow is the first day of Advent. Prepare thyself for daily chocolate! I mean for the way of the Lord! Chocolate. Mmmmmmmm … chocolate. I loved Advent calendars when I was a kid so I splurged and spent $1.99 on one for myself. I really mean it when I said I splurged. Money is tight. I’m trying desperately to save money to get a place of my own this spring. I really don’t want a roommate. Sigh …

This post is so incredibly random. I should probably go to bed now.

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On the list of things I’d rather be doing

Taking a nap is at the top of that list. Actually, I don’t think there’s anymore to the list other than that one thing. It’s winter. It’s cold. It’s dark. There’s a fire in the wood burning stove … need I say more?

Things are looking up these days. I worked my first shift as a manger yesterday and it went pretty smoothly. I have a couple more training sessions before I’m on my own but in the meantime I’m working on some admin stuff trying to get myself a regular 40 hours on the clock because as grateful as I am to my friends for letting me stay here I really need to be on my own by spring, and I really want to live by myself. No freaking roommates man. Who wants that at 35? It’s going to be tight and tough but I’ll make it work.

I’ve been playing A LOT of music and generally hanging out around the house trying to save money. The only things I really do these days are rehearsals, playing with the band, and work. Sad? Pathetic? Yeah, perhaps a bit but I’m trying to have a decent Christmas and I’m trying to save money so whatever. That’s life. You gotta run with it. I’m not embarrassed to say, “Nope, sorry, can’t afford to to that,” because that’s they way my life is. I’ve never been one to live outside of my means or make exceptions. I just get by on what I have as best as I can.

That all said, I should probably go make dinner even though it’s not on the list of things I want to be doing.

 

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