Unrelated Side Note

Look, you don’t spend your time aggressively coming onto me only to tell me, “I’m not interested in you like that and don’t be giving me information I’m not asking for” when I tell you, “I’m going through a divorce and am not available at this time in my life.”

I’m sorry if you feel embarrassed that you came on to a married woman or angry that she straight up rejected you, but at this point in my life I am SO NOT IN ANY PLACE to want to date anyone. Even if I wanted to, well, I’m still technically still married and the good girl in my knows that’s not something I can do.

I went out last night for a co-worker’s birthday and we had a lot of fun, but this is the third time in two days I’ve been hit on like that. I’m flattered, certainly, because they’ve been men of what appears to be quality and it makes me smile to know I’ve still got it, but it comes down to the fact that I don’t like being hit on. Never have, probably never will. Seriously, I fucking hate it. You want my number? Meet me for coffee and if it goes well, sure. In the meantime, no coffee, no phone numbers. Just back off, okay?

I guess I’ll have to talk to my counselor about defensive tactics. Yes, I said counselor because I finally woke up to the fact that I need some help getting through this.  I have no shame in seeking a professional to help me see through some of the fog that is my life right now. The biggest thing I’ve taken away thus far is, “It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to embrace that right now and work on healing that hurt and becoming a stronger person.”

So this post has been rambly, I know, but I’ve got a lot to talk about and am only just now getting around to writing anything down. I’m actively looking for a place to live and should be ready to roll come the first of April. Hopefully I’m not overstaying my welcome here but I did say I’d probably need about 6 months to get on my feet. But I’m looking and looking and looking!

Sometimes, I just can’t stand it. Sometimes, I’m just so angry I can’t hold it in. Today, I was driving in my car and I randomly screamed, “FUCK” at the top of my lungs out of nowhere. Then I felt better and I smiled and was like, “Alright,” and just kept driving. In the dark. Through the country. Bliss? Yeah, I guess so.

This afternoon, I went to Verizon and assumed liability for my phone. Matt told me our cell phone bill last month was something like $800+ and I just don’t feel like dealing with being limited to how much I can talk on the phone so I just took my phone onto my own plan. I’ll figure out the financials in the end. Whatever. It’s not the end of the world but it is the first time in my life I have ever had my own cell phone plan. LIBERATING! Hey, I’m 35 and growing up!

I had a nice meeting with my worship planning committee tonight. It was totally all over the place and unfocused; therefore, it was a productive meeting. As meetings usually are. We figured out some music, some concepts, and I’m TOTALLY STOKED that we are going to invite our bishop to play a song with us when he comes to visit. Rockin’ with the bishop. In case you didn’t know, the bishop for the Maryland Episcopal diocese is AWE. SOME. I’m hoping he won’t bring a guitar so he’ll play my Taylor.

I spend most nights with a pillow on either side of me to prop up a leg to keep my back from hurting. I also need something to hug while I sleep. While the cats at my transitory residence are coming around and accepting me, I still DEEPLY miss Diesel. Oh man, I miss that cat so much. And Emmy too. I can’t really think about it because it makes me want to cry.

Tomorrow is the first day of Advent. Prepare thyself for daily chocolate! I mean for the way of the Lord! Chocolate. Mmmmmmmm … chocolate. I loved Advent calendars when I was a kid so I splurged and spent $1.99 on one for myself. I really mean it when I said I splurged. Money is tight. I’m trying desperately to save money to get a place of my own this spring. I really don’t want a roommate. Sigh …

This post is so incredibly random. I should probably go to bed now.

Taking a nap is at the top of that list. Actually, I don’t think there’s anymore to the list other than that one thing. It’s winter. It’s cold. It’s dark. There’s a fire in the wood burning stove … need I say more?

Things are looking up these days. I worked my first shift as a manger yesterday and it went pretty smoothly. I have a couple more training sessions before I’m on my own but in the meantime I’m working on some admin stuff trying to get myself a regular 40 hours on the clock because as grateful as I am to my friends for letting me stay here I really need to be on my own by spring, and I really want to live by myself. No freaking roommates man. Who wants that at 35? It’s going to be tight and tough but I’ll make it work.

I’ve been playing A LOT of music and generally hanging out around the house trying to save money. The only things I really do these days are rehearsals, playing with the band, and work. Sad? Pathetic? Yeah, perhaps a bit but I’m trying to have a decent Christmas and I’m trying to save money so whatever. That’s life. You gotta run with it. I’m not embarrassed to say, “Nope, sorry, can’t afford to to that,” because that’s they way my life is. I’ve never been one to live outside of my means or make exceptions. I just get by on what I have as best as I can.

That all said, I should probably go make dinner even though it’s not on the list of things I want to be doing.

I hung those decorations for Matt’s 40th birthday party back in June and never took them down. Diesel jumped on top of the TV tonight and contemplated them for a solid 2 minutes before attacking them and falling on the floor.

Oh kitty …

My parents have a rain garden in their backyard. In it are many plants, including milk weed, which is the Monarch caterpillar’s favorite food. I’ve never seen a Monarch caterpillar and I was like, “Whoa! That thing is freaking cool!” I got close enough to actually see it’s mouth moving as it nibbled leaves. Totally the most fascinating nature experience I’ve had this year.