I had been suspecting that my dad has been in early stage Alzheimer’s for a while now. My mom confirmed it tonight. Well, that my dad’s odd behavior and asking me three times in 10 minutes, “What happened to your arm” in regard to me burning myself on an iron pretty much confirmed it.
I guess we just have to be patient with one another and be thankful for the time we have together. It doesn’t make the heartache any easier. I don’t know what I’m going to do without that man. I don’t know who I am going to turn to for everything because he’s always been there for me. No one can fill that void.
The thought of having to let him go hasn’t set in with me. Alzheimer’s is tricky. Sometimes it’s slow and agonizing, sometimes it’s fast and furious, but no matter what its pace, it sucks. It sucks, sucks, sucks. I lost my grandparents (my dad’s parents) to it, and I don’t need any more heartbreak these days, especially one of my parents.
I guess it’s time to grow up. I guess it’s time to just live and let live. We’ve all accepted that this is happening and are in varying stages of learning to deal with it. I’m in, like, hour five right now.
I’m racked with guilt that my life didn’t turn out how he might have liked for me. Not that I had to be what he wanted me to be, just that he wanted a good life for me and, well, that hasn’t happened yet.
I think I’ll just go to bed now. I’m entirely too fucked up in the head right now and I just want to go to sleep and get away from this world for a while.